Sometime back I came to grips with an
issue that I didn't realize was the problem. So many times in my
life I cared so much about what others thought of me. I cared too
much about what they wanted from me. More accurately and
obliviously, I fretted over what I thought they wanted from me.
And ya know it wasn't so much that I
cared. It was more that I worried. I worried that if I wasn't what
they wanted me to be, then they would be displeased with me. And
then if they were displeased with me too many times then they would
reject me. And then if I couldn't win them back over quick enough
(or before I finally gave up caring) then the final blow of
abandonment would come. So if you look at it, I preformed like a
circus animal, because I feared abandonment.
Now I wasn't aware of this in my early
life. However, what I was aware of was that I struggled with fully
committing to my life's endeavors, project's and my way of doing
things. Often failing to complete even those things I was so
passionate about.
I'm sure you must be wondering what
this has to do with worrying or fearing what others think of me. Hang in there for a bit.
I
had been depressed for days and didn't know why. It was at the end
of my mediation that had followed my yoga practice, that the answer
came. I realized my soul had split and had been for a number of
years. I experienced a sense that I was fragmented. I asked myself
what has split my soul? I followed my breath in and out, in and out
and asked again, “What is splitting your soul Michelle?”
And the answer came.
Worrying about what others think and
want. Trying hard to figure out how to be what everyone I cared
about thinks and want's. Trying to do things the way some people do
them, for what I mistakenly called,for sake of harmony. Really is
was to avoid conflict.
Meanwhile I tried to fit my own
desires, projects, passions and endeavors, in somewhere. I pushed
against how some people thought I should do these things. But
allowed myself to respond to their urgency that I do them their way.
So this is how it would go.
I would be inspired with an idea. I
would share said idea (probably my first mistake) The person would
have their input. Ok, no problem. This part can be fun. However, at
this point is where I, me personally, go dream about the idea. Steep
in it, if you will. Conjure and imagine the possibilities. I truly
believe that envisioning what you want for a good period of time
brings it to you more easily. At some point what you want is so
vivid that things begin to unfold easily. Interested people show up
to help. Money comes your way to fund. Time for the project suddenly
opens up. I've experienced this a number of times. Everything
needed for the project flows easily to you, when you've envisioned it
with joy for a long while.
Then comes the hard worker's. The ones
that believe (this includes the people in my head) that as soon as I
have and idea I should buckle down and get to some hard work. The
ones that believe that nothing will come easy. It is this belief
that keeps them in the “Hard Work Zone”
I know that it doesn't have to be that
hard, but I would get swayed with how others think I should do it. Even though
most of them are unhappy lifelong hard workers,whom go around
complaining that they work so hard and so little seems to come of it.
Least of all happiness.
And while I know this, I am still
non-the-less sometimes swayed. It can be a little hard to fight the
people in my life that pop into my head with messages such as, “You
only deserve something if you work hard for it.” or “Nothing ever
comes easy”
Now if this was just one person in my
life that I worried what they thought, it might not be such a
problem. But I have family, children, grandchildren, a husband and
friends. Not to mention follower's and colleagues.
And so, I was busy always trying to
make everyone happy with me. As of late, not too many of them are. I
believed that once I made everyone happy, then I could focus on what
I wanted. This never ever happens. There are to many, with to many
problems. My constant focus on what others thought or wanted had split my
soul. Split it so that I failed to give my complete attention and
focus to my own inspired endeavors. I was so worried that someone
would need me and I wouldn't be there that I couldn't focus. I
thought of everyone's problems so much that it split my focus between
my projects and many others that might need me. Most of the time,
sorry to burst your bubble, it's just us thinking that they need us.
I worried that if I was not there doing and being what they want,
pleasing them, that they would dislike me. Ugh!
Now it's not really hard to see why this
occurs. I've climbed up out of a downfall a few times.
Here is and example in my life, that led
to a back slide into worrying again.
Several years back I had accomplished
focusing on my life, my passions, my projects. I was living a lovely
life with my husband in Paris, at this particular time we were
vacationing in Ireland. On a road trips across Ireland to be
specific.
My mother had been in the hospital.
Which was not new. She was frequently there. I had gone to the
States to visit her just a few weeks before the Ireland vacation.
She was recovering from a stroke and was doing OK. So after my visit
with her her I went back to my life and went on vacation. I focused
on my life, on my passions. Oops! I took my eye off my mother and
she died. Of course there was family backlash for this. How dare I
live my life and be happy when some day my mother will die.
I struggled with this for awhile.
Finally, realizing that I could not possibly be there for everyone
every minute. It's just not possible. However, it stuck at the back
of my mind and I slid back into to paying attention to “Everything”
I slid back into trying to do and be what others wanted.
You do realize that most of this is
just going on in my head?
Okay, good!
Now that doesn't mean that their aren't
people in my life that want me to be what they want me to be so that
they feel pleased. This will always be. The problem I address here
today is that, in worrying constantly about what other might think of
you or want is soul splitting.
In the split you loose you. You loose
your path, “your” way. How can you be you, do things your way,
develop passionate projects into amazing culminations from your soul
if your soul is split? How can you focus on everyone's needs and
yours, all at the same time? You cannot! And when you try you are
split into a thousand pieces. Scattered, sometimes all over the
world. This is a soul that is not aligned. It's off balance.
The only way to accomplish the
fulfilled life you intended, is giving it your complete focus. I was
trained to believe that it is selfish to focus on my own life and
interests. I was trained to focus on what everyone else wanted from
me. I was trained, essentially, not to be me. I was trained with an
axe that split my soul in half. I was made to feel guilty for
focusing on my own life, to such a degree that the act of focusing on myself sent guilt throughout my body, sending me back to focusing on
someone elses life.
This is not wholeness. If you allow
yourself to be split, you cannot be mindful. If you are not mindful, you cannot be you. You cannot know what you want, who you are and
what your path is. Because you are to focused on what everyone else
thinks, wants or needs.
There is no happiness in the split.
Only when you are whole do you get inspired and then feel joy. In
joy you offer way more gifts to the world. That is what everyone around
you needs. They need your happiness. They do not need your worry.
In my choice to focus on what I want and need I heal the split. I
put my soul back together. I then become a light in the world. Out of
my happiness, out of my joy springs more inspiration. And when I
focus on those inspirations great art of all kinds flows out to serve
the world.
In a great piece of art that speaks to
your heart, no one stands looking at it saying, “They didn't paint it the right way” They just marvel at the
beauty because it came to be from a whole soul that focused on a
passion long enough that they became inspired to create a great work
of art.
So, if you are in my life on a
consistent basis, know this. If you are wondering why I'm not paying
attention to you, it's not because I don't love you. It's because I
am busy focusing on my life and passions and you will soon see the
happy joyous result of that focus. And I hope you enjoy it.
Michelle Mantooth Craft
