I have spent too much of my life caring too much what people think, more accurately believing someone else had the right answers, the authority to know what the right thing for me to do was. I was bred to believe that my family had the right set of rules for life and that anything outside their believed way of life was wrong. Their rules were right or good and everybody else’s was wrong or bad. Right, good, wrong, and bad; these really have no meaning except the meaning that each individual assigns them according to what is right, good, wrong or bad to them. My tribe, (family) assigned the meanings and taught them to me. Be what we think you should be, do what we think you should do and please please don’t, because I will be uncomfortable if you do, make waves. I followed what my tribe thought I should be or do for most of my life. Unfortunately, my tribe really did not expect much in the way of accomplishment. None of them had much education beyond early high school; most of them were addicts, alcoholics, or depressives. Certainly none of them were much of a role model to follow and I think, secretly, that they really hoped for someone in the tribe to step outside the tribes’ ways. “Free Will” however does not fit into the ways of the tribe. Leaving the tribe to find a higher purpose, rather than being another block in the social structure of the tribe, contributing to keeping the tribal machine running, is a threat to their way of life. It makes them question, although they will not publicly acknowledge this, the rightness of “Their Way” And that cannot be.
There are of course those basic social rules that are taught, blindly, to us all. We are not encouraged to follow these rules, but staunchly expected to follow them. With what we are sure are grave consequences if we do not. Really they are not much different from the tribal rules.
It astonishes me that the members of my tribe that followed the tribal ways, however uneducated, financially poor, weak or inept, were accepted and patted on the head for their loyalty to the Tribe; for reasons such as the desire to fit in, be accepted and not be condemned. We fear condemnation, we fear rejection, and we fear that just maybe our tribe might be right in “Their Ways” After all until we discover there are other ways or even, boldly, that we might have a better way, at least for ourselves, we are precariously unstable which rushes us back to the Tribal Way, for it is what we know.
We can never find our Higher Purpose if we hold to the toxic beliefs of the tribe. And as I study my tribal ways against other ways, which I have researched, I have found that very few of my tribal ways are of much benefit to me; not to say that every tribe has no valuable information.
Previously I spoke of the tribe being uncomfortable if someone strays and poses, “Other Ways” The struggle to become what we want, outside the tribe, comes down to the fact that we fear we will be accused of being disloyal, crazy and ultimately excommunicated. I remember something my mother use to say when anyone went against her ways, “My way or the highway.” It’s quit the quandary when you are told that the only important thing is that you do what you want, what makes you happy. Then you realize that you have also been told to compromise and not be selfish. For a number of years I was very irritated at my mother’s insistence that everything be her way. It certainly felt selfish and unreasonable; and when you witnessed each, of her six husbands, leave or be kicked out, you have to wonder. However, when I look back at my way which was pretty much the opposite I have to question my ideals.
Flying solo is a little scary. But I promise you will not be alone for very long because there are those out there of like mind.
For me, staying tied to the tribe meant that I could never be what I want to be. So I left the tribe to find my “Higher Purpose” I went to the other side of the world to try and find out what it was that I wanted to be or do, that at first started out as an escape from the role assigned to me, by the tribe, to take care of them. Of course it wasn’t just that simple. In leaving the tribe I had to go through much withdrawal. Withdrawal from being what I call “The Matriarch” of the family. At a very early age I took up the reins, I became the adult, the mother and admittedly, the self-righteous voice of reason. It was actually the role of caretaker, which at first was thrust upon me, and then taken up by me as my calling. It was not my real calling, not as honorable of a calling you might think nor a personally beneficial calling.
I was aware, at a very young age, that most of the adult members of my tribe were psychologically, children. It is an interesting phenomenon that a child could know this. I mean I wonder how I knew better, as a child, than the adults around me. I believe because I had an old soul.
I was the oldest of my mother’s four children, born to her when she was just sixteen. No father in the picture before my birth but 6 step-fathers to come; who were all either, addicts, alcoholics, abusive or all of these. At age 11 I was molested by a tribal acquaintance. I witnessed violence among the tribal members; such as a fist fight between my pregnant mother and a step-mother while a step-father encouraged, with levity, me to watch, I was 6 years old.
At age twelve I stood holding my siblings tiny hands while they cried, at my mother’s bedside after she took too many pills for a human being to survive, with the ambulance screaming closer while she assured that someone would take care of us, and I made the decision that would define my role for many decades to come. “Everything will be alright. I will take care of everything and everyone” A lofty commitment for a twelve year old. But I took it seriously, after all none of the adults were taking up the reigns, so I felt I must.
I took care of my siblings, my mother and myself. My tribe was in and out of jail, mental institutions and depression, dysfunctional relationship, and my life constantly. I was left to my own wits, no nurturing, no support, and no role model.
There is always a solution though and I found mine. I sought, knowing that the tribe floundered, the right way to be a mother, wife and woman. I wondered what was a good father, husband and man. In my search I turned to the social tribe, the T.V.
I studied the characters on the show, “Little House on the Prairie.” Carolyn Ingalls was, I believed, the perfect, right and good mother, wife and woman. She became my role model and as I look back at being a mother, to my three children, I became Carolyn Ingalls. As a mother I was strong yet tender and strict yet understanding. I was supportive, caring, creative, nurturing and the mother I wished that I had experienced.
Oh, and Charles Ingalls, was, when I was a child, the perfect father I so wished was mine. In watching episodes I would fall into the scene as if I were one of Mr. Ingalls daughters’ and reveal in his love. He was my night in shining armor and I was his little princess. I could be half-pint; I could if only Pa would let me. Mr. Ingalls, as I grew closer to being a woman, crossed over and became the perfect husband for me. So as an adult I mimicked Mrs. Ingalls and tried to force my husbands into being Mr. Ingalls. It didn’t work very well. Trying to change someone else never does.
I remember the moment I heard that Michael Landon had died. My boyfriend came to me, in the shower, and told me. I cried for weeks over the death of my father.
I lived in five different states and in over a dozen different homes and went to twelve schools by the time I dropped out in tenth grade to run away and marry a man, at age seventeen, twelve years my senior. Who, by the way, was an addict. I had my first child just weeks before I turned nineteen, married three more times landing permanently on the fourth man I am now spending the rest of my life with. He’s my Charles Ingalls
Ok so what does this all mean? It means I had a rotten childhood, I tried my best to get through it and also knew, somewhere inside, that there was a better way than the tribe. But like I said earlier, “I left the tribe to find my “Higher Purpose” I went to the other side of the world to try and find out what it was that I wanted to be or do, that at first started out as an escape from the role assigned to me, by the tribe, to take care of them. Of course it wasn’t just that simple. In leaving the tribe I had to go through much withdrawal.” I was withdrawing from the addiction of taking care of other’s. And it was as painful, sometimes still, as if I were withdrawing from the grip of a drug.
I was, like I had been for years, tied to the tribe by guilt. Guilt is a heinous self-defeating, toxic and fatal emotion and I was gripped by it so tightly that it made me ill. I had micro-managed my tribe, in attempt to control their unwanted turmoil that I was sure would make me unhappy, for so many years that now I didn’t know what I “Wanted” At every turn to do something I thought I wanted the tribe danced around in my head beckoning me to pay attention to what they wanted, paralyzing my effort to find out what I wanted. Maybe I had a God complex; after all I was sure that none of them could manage without my direction. And often they assured me they could not get along without my leadership.
However, I was unfortunately or perhaps fortunately, very adept at providing counsel. I had sought the answers long enough and diligently enough that I had proven myself as one who has it together and knows what she’s talking about. It often was a hindrance because I grew tired of trying to change people who did not really want to be changed.
There was over the decades, without me realizing it, something very extraordinary in making, me.
Equally, because it was my habit that someone else has the answers, I sought my husbands’ opinion on what it was I should do. And like the good husband, because he always wants to help and me to be happy, he offered his opinions.
So I reviewed the numerous opinions on what I should do with my life, of both tribe and husband, and tried them all. They were not bad ideas really. I am a talented artist and had sold some of my work. I had written and published a book, so I could write. I had taught successfully in many schools, all different ages, for many years. I had a B.A. degree in Interior Design and graduated at the top of my class. But something wasn’t right. I cold not move forward with anything I began. I just could not experience the bliss nor could I maintain any sort of motivation to continue any of the directions I had decided on. What I find very interesting is that everyone thought I had their answers, which I usually did, but more damaging, I was sure someone else had my answers.
I turned in circles everyday. My mind picked and analyzed my character, my talents, my desires, my beliefs, and my unhappiness. I then began studying, “The Law of Attraction” At first I was so utterly empowered, excited and I knew it was, “The Answer” However, like always I went into the Law of Attraction like a Linebacker into the opponent, I went into it with the perfection I had always strived for and I immersed myself into The Law of Attraction. I am an extremely analytical person. Wouldn’t you really have to be if you are searching for, “The Right Answers”
Immersed, analyzing, and with the intent to understand and use “The Law of Attraction” I picked myself apart; more accurately I tore myself apart. Everything I believed did or thought was put through the ringer daily, well actually hourly. I drove myself to madness in an attempt to have a quantum leap. I wanted my life to change now. I have always felt like I was running out of time. Running out of time for what I was not always really sure. Mostly I felt I was running out of time to find, “The Right Answers” to life; the right way to do things, the right way to think, and the right thing to do and to finally be happy. And as I studied The Law of Attraction, at age 46, I felt I was running out of time to find out what I wanted to be, do or have; especially because I didn’t really know what I wanted to be.
I felt like a failure because everything I announce that I decided to do would fizzle into a pile of unfinished projects haunting me with their message, as I passed by them every day, “You never complete anything, you failed to follow through on this, and you don’t know what the hell you want.” They were painful messages. Now this all had really been going on within me my whole adult life. It just became more prevalent with my study of Law of Attraction, my age and my withdrawal and distance from the tribe.
I didn’t know what was wrong with me. I was angry that I didn’t know what was wrong with me. I was certain there was something terribly wrong with me and that I would never figure out what it was, nor what I wanted to do. It had always been this way. I scolded myself every afternoon for having wasted my time, for not having stayed focused on something I had the day before committed to accomplish. Every night I would commit to do some list of actions, for the next day, on one of the things I thought I should do. I would wake up with a strong intention or resolve to stay on task and become what I had decided on becoming. And like the many years, months and days before, I found myself by the afternoon either wandering the house, wasting time on some mindless game on the computer, watching T.V. and checking my email, sometimes hourly, sure that one of the members of my tribe needed me, that something terrible had happened or I was being blamed for something gone wrong with them and it happened because I moved far away from them. I was still gripped in guilt.
I emaciated myself with should’s. I should be more organized, I should be an Artist, I should exercise more, I should be a Writer, I should learn a foreign language, I should be a Teacher, I should think more positively, I should be more disciplined. I should be a better wife, mother, daughter and woman; I should go home because that’s what the tribe wants and maybe I should because I don’t seem to be happy here. Then, in my mind, I would argue with the tribe members. As they stated, what I believed there position was on what they wanted from me and I would argue my position; over and over and over.
Then as I exhausted my case I would become overwhelmed and begin to blame everyone for my turmoil. It was my husbands fault for taking me away from my family, leaving me to deal with a foreign country, where I did not know the language, had no friends and was isolated at home while he went to work and had everything. I went in circles only to end up repeating the cycle of thought and returning to the belief that I was insane, lazy, incompetent, not educated enough, or worse there was something fundamentally wrong with my mind and I would never discover what. After all I didn’t even know what I wanted. I cried, I ranted and I talked to my husband. I discussed everything I thought was my problem with my dear sweet concerned and bewildered husband. I could not sit still and I chewed my cuticles and I was driving my husband insane.
Uninspired, unmotivated, unhappy, alone and depressed I turned in circles convinced that there was something incredibly wrong with me and I pressed on to discover it. I questioned everything about me. Was I practicing The Law of Attraction incorrectly? I put up affirmations or statements all over my house like; I am beautiful, I am thin, I am rich and some were more detailed than that, describing my perfect self and life.
I was painfully aware of every thought I had. When I caught myself in a negative thought I quickly changed it, only to find shortly that I was right back to the same thought. Paying attention to every thought makes you crazy. There is a saying, “That which does not kill us makes us stronger” I do not disagree however I think, “That which does not kill us pisses us off enough to change”
The only thing really wrong with us is that we believe something is wrong with us.
Then, suddenly I realized that most of my thoughts were focused on what was happening in the tribe; was my mom sick, were my children struggling, is there something I need to fix for them? This habit of preoccupation with what others might need or want kept me from clarity.
In discovering my continuous insane pattern of micro-managing my tribe I stopped checking my email several times a day for their neediness, I stopped calling, out of guilt, because they expected me to and I called when I wanted. There is nothing more important than doing what I wanted, I knew this intellectually. But how the hell do I figure out what I want. Nothing I had attempted made me feel good or at least good enough to press forward to accomplishment. But at this point I felt more relaxed because I did not focus on what my family wanted and I quit, for the time being, my daily self-improvement rampage. I went about a daily routine of nothing special; cooking, cleaning, laundry etc. and painted a little. I just stopped working so hard to figure it all out; I stopped working so hard to find out what I wanted to do and just existed for a while.
I just existed for about a week.
Then I saw a movie, Beyond The Secret, About The Law of Attraction. Whether it was focused on the subject I can’t say but what I heard was you can do anything you want to be. Arrrgh! Is what you would, at this point, think I would be saying? After all I knew this statement, intellectually to be true, It hadn’t made any difference in my life in the past and it was essentially what had been driving me crazy because I didn’t know what I wanted to be.
However, instead tears welled in my eyes. My heart began to flutter and I began to tremble. I trembled with the excitement of suddenly realizing, without looking for it, without working hard to find it, what I wanted to be; what I had always wanted to be and was too afraid, mostly because of what other’s might say, to step out and become; the me I had practiced for my entire life. Everything I had endured, I had a talent for and had done thus far, taught, wrote, created, designed, researched and counseled had culminated into this calling.
Self-Empowerment/Motivational Speaker and Teacher
The most important words, “I am” What you decide to put in after that is important. It is what will define you, what will manifest in your life.
What will you choose?
“I am a failure”
“I am a success”
Realizing that the only thing really wrong with me was that I believed something was wrong with me, was vital to my empowerment.
Care not what anyone thinks, for what they think does not matter. What matters is what you think.
My life is grand, beautiful and full of Joy and love. I have the marriage I had always wanted; my husband is an amazing and adoring man. I live in a beautiful home in a quaint European town. Everything I want comes to me when I focus on only that which I want; it’s the Law of Attraction.
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